I am guest blogging this weekend at Scrimporsplurge.ca so will keep this fairly brief as I have a life, okay? Actually, if I were in receipt of a lot of money I would write all day in my pj’s, but that’s another story.
I’ve been going through some changes these past 8 weeks as you may or may not know, including the death of the Mr. W character on this blog, huge work changes, planning for my son’s imminent university applications, and reinventing my career path. A lot of it is below the surface, but lately, I can’t help it bubbling up like a wretched emotional mess of cascading hyperbole’s and self-pitying monologues.
But I got really quite sick of hearing my own voice re-work worry beads with other people’s names on them.
I am prone to narcissism but luckily, my Catholic guilt keeps me from being too kind to myself. Where is my hair shirt by the way? I had the idea that I needed to be more vulnerable this past year and made the huge mistake of confusing this with being subservient. Having survived so many movies (scenes in real life that get so dramatic they become movies) in my life that I had become somewhat hardened to love, I decided that I should allow myself to be vulnerable and open (not my natural state whatsoever). You know, it’s fine, good even, to be open–I get that it’s only in a state of openness that the unicorns emerge and the clouds part and you find love–but when you are not able to say no to the demands of other people, some will take advantage of your blindly open and vulnerable state. Doh! And since I felt I needed to be more, and more, and more, blindly open and vulnerable this year, I did not, could not, stand still in the face of demand.
Standing still in the face of demand takes enormous strength. Because it consistently requires you to put yourself first. To pause. To be centered. To not be tugged and pulled, manipulated or conned, charmed or hoodwinked. Standing still in the face of demand requires deep committment to the health of your self not limp acquiescence to the demands of others.
It also requires strong boundaries. I lost my boundaries for about the millionth time in a relationship this year. I did not stay still but leapt, like a gazelle to every call, tweet, email, request, idea, nudge, suggestion, demand, order. I wanted to make sure I met the demands with flying colours. I wanted an A+. Instead, I made my own stock worthless, selling my self out without a second thought, without taking a moment to ask, what do I want at this moment? What is in it for me? How is this nurturing my life?
Is this even making me happy?
In my rush to meet demand, I lost the very thing that makes me who I am. Now I am journeying back, looping around to pick up the broken pieces, re-stringing my bow, and vowing to, in the face of a sea of demands in my life, stay as still as a disciplined, Roman warrior: fearless, resolved, prepared, formidable.