We Still Need A Room Of Our Own Virginia

“A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.”

-Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own

Last night as I walked in the door, kicked off my old boots, and collapsed onto the couch at 8 pm still clutching a large black bag to my chest with rain-soaked hair and coat my son looked at me like I was a creature from the mist. Lately, my days are calculated by what deadline is looming, ticking off the number of hours to accomplish said project, with not a single social outing on the calendar until the end of November. In the midst of my sprinting towards the finish line of these projects since last February (when I started my business full-time), an interesting shift has happened in the interior spaces of my mind and well, I suppose my heart too.

I’ve stopped thinking of men entirely and it is quite wonderful. I realize, when I had more time, I day dreamed a lot about them. They took up huge residence in my brain. If I likened it to a house, they would have had the living room, dining room, upstairs bedroom (for sure the biggest one) and of course some man-cave space in the basement. I shared my house with ghosts of men who weren’t actually living there, a sort of spooky real-estate deal that left the culture of my life devoid of my own true self.

Yesterday I decided step more fully into my own life, and owned it as it had always wanted to be owned.

The fact is, for years I have been running around in crappy Zeller’s boots, always cringing when I put them on, feeling bad about my life as I wore them, ashamed of my single-mother status (read: poor), and thinking, next year, next year, I’ll get a really good quality pair of boots. As I walked to the Skytrain station after a long day of a Transmedia conference, I passed by a gorgeous shop called Modern Vintage (couldn’t find a site for them but they sell on Shopbop). I saw a little hand drawn sign that said ‘hand-made’ hanging on the door. Yes. Let’s get hand-made instead of Zellers.

I wandered the shop. Everything was incredibly expensive but…beautifully, lovingly made. I found a pair of boots and tried them on. They fit perfectly and felt like expensive, hand-made shoes should feel: delicious, sexy, special.

A voice in my head whispered: Be who you want to be now.

Silence. I looked at them in the mirror and remembered where I was last year, and thought about where I was now.

I realized in that moment that I was being who I wanted to be: an entrepreneur creating art, writing, making money, living in an urban setting. What was missing? A boyfriend? Yes, I suppose. but suddenly it wasn’t on my list anymore of being who I wanted to be. It was time to buy the boots. They were who I was now.

I’m eternally grateful to my last relationship because if I hadn’t had that experience, I think I would still have other people living in my psychological house. Don’t get me wrong, my head still turns when I smell certain cologne’s pass by me, but my desire is on building my own house, with a room where I can write, and decide what happens inside that space and perhaps more importantly, what doesn’t happen in that space.

The door is closed at the moment to relationships, but I know the right person for me would find a creative way in. For now, I’ll be walking a little more confidently (and comfortably) in these beauties.

Triple stitched, custom detailed, embossed sole, soft as cashmere. I’ll wear them forever.

8 Comments

Filed under Non-fiction, Transmedia

8 responses to “We Still Need A Room Of Our Own Virginia

  1. Doug Brown

    No writing is more compelling to me than honesty, beautifully expressed. Thanks for posting this one Mags.

  2. Well done, Mags. You deserve all the love and all the rooms of your beautiful heart-built house. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling kind of sexy to boot.

  3. gawd, if only I had of invested boots as beautiful as your boots versus crying / fretting over a man, my life would have been so much simpler. way to go girl, you deserve those boots and many more custom made boots in the future. metaphorically, they’re way cheaper AND valuable than any man! you earned it, you deserve it, and even if you still didn’t think so… you shoulda anyway…xo

  4. Love those boots and all they symbolise! Well done you! 🙂

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