Some nights I wonder if I what I am doing is the right thing. It’s midnight, I haven’t seen the light of day in 48 hours, only the cold glow of my computer screen and a sputtering lamp with a light bulb that needs changing. It’s lean in the house, the cupboards need stocking, the cat meows, the plant droops, and the growling hunger of my son is ever-present.
Why don’t I just give up? Let go. Cave. Succumb. Go silent. Fall down. The mountain.
Because I know this moment is where the real work has begun, the summit, when you swing yourself over and up and there, above you, is sky and air, the kind you were dreaming of that intoxicates your life and makes you remember what you were climbing for. Only, just before that, the oxygen is thin, and it feels like hell, and it’s midnight and a long time since you were touched. It’s midnight and the only sound is the rain and your own voice in your head telling you to just keep going.
The thing is, happiness isn’t some stroke of luck, it’s not won in a card game, it’s most certainly not delivered by the promises of others. It’s hard work. It’s huge sacrifice. It’s defining things so clearly you can know exactly what to bring into your life and what to keep out. It’s being disciplined enough to ignore the low-hanging fruit: the easy job, the adoring but fleeting man, the phony friend, the flat-line marriage, or for some, the next bottle or numbing needle. It’s hard, I won’t lie to you, to follow the voice in your deepest of hearts that says to climb to the top of your mountain. But that mountain is what requires you to dive into your resources and see just what you have. What are you made of? it asks. And it pushes you beyond what you ever imagined you could do.
That is the sweet spot. I’m staying focused like a boxer in a dressing room. Because I feel like I’m just on the cusp of it. I am hoping those who really love me stay with me. Transformation is not for the faint of heart. It will not require luck. It will not require money. It will not require help. It requires that you honour that which is calling you forward. Put your ear to it and hear it before your life passes by you for one more moment.
Will you hear it?