This is a draft excerpt from my fiction novel, tentatively just called ‘Sam’ now but it will change no doubt. For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you’ll remember I posted excerpts before. I’ve been remiss in writing this story but am back at it again! This is quite a bit later in the story and Sam has finally found ‘love’ only to find that the person she thought she was in love with barely resembles the person she is with. You’ll have to wait for the novel for all the sordid but highly entertaining plot details.:)
She crept into the bathroom and closed the door, turning the handle slowly so there was not even a click. She’d learned that trick when she was little so her dad didn’t hear her slinking out of her room and creeping downstairs to her mom’s bed. She could smell the sickness on her but she didn’t care. She just wanted to be close to her and listen to her slow breathing in the dark.
She started to cry. She wanted to go there now, feel the scratchy hand-knit crochet blanket against her check, press into her mom’s back and hold her.
She was in total darkness except the red light of his shaver charging. She shook with cold and dragged a towel from the side of the tub and wrapped it around her shoulders. If she could wish for one thing it would be for a door to this bathroom that would lead out into the hallway. She would find a cab in front of the hotel. She would go home and crawl into her bed. But there was no door. And she realized in that moment that there is a stage and there is a backstage in life and that actors are just people putting on wigs and makeup and their words are not theirs and the pretty way their skin glows is from lights with coloured filters hanging from a ceiling and they are not in fact glowing from within because of their innate goodness. Sam had accidentally walked backstage in her own life and the man in the bed outside the door wasn’t the man she thought he was. She could feel herself between the world of reality and make-believe and her stomach flipped over and over until she felt bile rising up in her mouth. She’d believed everything he’d told her. She’d never wanted anything so badly. You are a bloody idiot came a man’s voice. It was her Dad’s. Of course, of course it was.
Honey, you come on and stop that now, don’t listen to him my little petal…
Oh no, now her dead mom’s voice. Great. This is all going so, so well.
She wept into the towel.
I’m so ashamed Mom, I’m so ashamed…
You didn’t know. You do now. You’ll do better. Some men honey, when they get close to you, you just have to shoot ’em in the heart like a dog that ain’t never going to be good. You hear me? And don’t you feel badly. Takes a heart the size of yours to still love that bad dog when the rest of us would of shot him ‘fore he got to the door.
She felt her eyes swelling up to the size of Rocky’s. Fuckety fuck fuck. She was sore all over and felt all the love drain out of her like a bad high. She felt her way to the cold marble counter and searched for the faucet. She drank as quietly as she could for a long time. She could tell a hangover was creeping in. It was deep in the belly of the night, maybe 3? She thought of him sleeping quietly with no idea their matrix was over. She started to cry again. She felt like she’d been in a car accident. She needed some help but there was no police or 911 you could call for this. Hi, I’m with a married millionaire and I’m sooooo sad.
She couldn’t let him see her cry.They were supposed to be in love. That was the play she was starring in. That was the whole point of her role. That was the story she was trapped in and couldn’t find her way out of.